Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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