Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So vagazzling was a success
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
