I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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