apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
