Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
