Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
