Yo dont text me then not text me
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
