So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
