Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
