Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
