There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
