I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
