I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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