I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
