I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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