Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
