Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
