I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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