I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
