your thong is hanging out like whoa
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
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the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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