And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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