so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
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