Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
