just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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