the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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