whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
