He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
