I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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