note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
