seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
