k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
