trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
