i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
