Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
