I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
