I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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