Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
