I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
