dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
