Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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