she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
