Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
