Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
