finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize