Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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