Ambien. No doubt about it.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
