Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
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He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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