...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
