census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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