halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
