you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
