Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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