I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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