that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
