We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
