Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
