God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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