i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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